Home › Blogs › figleaf's blog

Where Do Disappearing Boyfriends Come From?

Sat, 2009-11-21 20:24 — figleaf

Summary: Are boyfriends really “most likely to disappear” when their partners become pregnant? Fact or cultural gender messaging? And who’s decision?

Echidne of the Snakes, while doing an otherwise pitch-perfect job of countering anti-choice slippery-slopery, hits one hypothetical that seems like it might be a flat note:

If she gets pregnant, the boyfriend most likely disappears…

She said it here.

Is this true? Are boyfriends most likely to disappear when their partner gets pregnant?

Just considering a second possiblity from the considerable range of reactions I’d think the boyfriend would be at least as likely to propose marriage as disappear.

Unless, of course, by “disappear” Echidne (who’s hypothetical involves underaged, underprivileged Salvadorians) means “murdered by the girl’s family members in an attempt to defend their family’s ‘honor.’” Which, come to think of it, maybe she does mean.

Based on my own peer-counseling experiences as a teenager in southern Appalachia before Roe v. Wade was handed down relationships involving pregnancy where generally much tighter between the boy and girl themselves than between their families. And when pregnancies were discovered it tended to be the families of both teens that created the separations. And enforced them. Against the wishes of either teenager.

Anyway, what’s your first, second or third-hand experience with this sort of thing? Are boys and/or men really “most likely to disappear when their partner gets pregnant?” I mean, maybe they are! Even though I don’t think so. I’m not going to trust my cultural messaging (which would be similar to Echidne’s) nor can I trust my own non-trivial but also not statistically significant anecdotal experience (which would be that disappearances aren’t “most likely” and when they do occur are often enforced rather than desired.) Instead I just really don’t know.

Which is why I’m asking.

—-

For the record the rest of Echidne’s post really is cool and well-worth a read.

Sun, 2009-11-22 03:35 — fiveofnine (not verified) #permalink

I think that during my youth is depended upon the relationship, if they had been a couple for quite some time probably not a disappearance. It was also more possible for the teenage boy to support a family. I do agree some separations were forced and when the economy became more competitive welfare enforced the disappearance in some communities which produced a cultural shift in attitudes.

[Doh! I am such a moron, Five! Of course welfare policy had a major, major impact on the visible presence of fathers, and for that matter on marriage, going way, way back. It was usually painted with racial overtones (hope Echidne wasn’t falling those memes though if she was I’m certain it was inadvertent) but many of the original, primarily whites-for-whites private/church-based charities had whole-family exclusion policies. I’m pretty sure the original Salvation Army insisted on bed-check visits to make sure husbands or boyfriends who “should” have been supporting families weren’t sneaking in to be with their partners and children after dark. I know social services have been dialed back nearly to zero since the Clinton-era welfare “reform,” and that was quite a while ago, but having been so immersed in it only 20 years ago I’m ashamed of myself for having gone so rusty. Thanks for the wake-up. —fl]

Sun, 2009-11-22 21:06 — tlt (not verified) #permalink

A lot of teenage boyfriends probably do get “disappeared,” not physically, but by being informed by angry family members that he’s done “enough damage already” by “getting” their daughter/sister pregnant and isn’t to come anywhere near her again.

Others, the secret “boyfriends” who are five, seven, or ten years older than the high school girls they’re having sex with, who have no relationship with her family and not much interest in her beyond sex, they’re probably the most likely to take off. Because they know they’re looking at ending up in court because of something a whole lot more serious than working out child support arrangements. And because they can. Whereas if two 16-year-olds go to the same school, each knows where the other lives and they know each others’ friends and families, there aren’t a whole lot of places he can disappear to, unless he has a parent in another city he can run off and live with. Besides, if the relationship is good, like you said, he might want to eventually get married.

My first hand experience doesn’t really do much to answer the question. I got pregnant in college (the first time) when I was 19. There was really no question of him running off because he was still living at home and only had a part-time job. But, there was also no question of me dropping out of college and having a baby with him. He made no effort to try to persuade me otherwise. So, I was spared finding out what he’d do if I’d wanted to keep it.

Mon, 2009-11-23 02:41 — Frustrated would be Cougar (not verified) #permalink

I’m not sure most boys, or men would take flight on the news of impending fatherhood. I kind of feel that’s selling the men short. So okay, yes, some will tuck tail and run but to be fair, they are probably the ones that would have just disappeared anyways; lets be honest here, having a kid was never the greatest or most successful way of cementing a weak relationship.

I think the majority of men would stand by their partner….okay, if the woman was to say she wanted to abort, and the man wasn’t too keen on the whole kids issue, I doubt he would argue with her, no matter whether he was pro or anti abortion. In my experience, morals come and go depending on the lie of the land at the time.

I think the bigger problem is keeping the man around to see it through. Most are happy to share the pregnancy, the hand on the belly, feeling those kicks, holding the hair back whilst she vomits. And most are sold to the idea of parenthood when they first hold the little offspring. Its later…..through the bad nights, tantrums and the teenage years. Maybe the relationship wasn’t so hot and great in the first place, maybe he reached that middle aged crisis point and suddenly the grass did seem greener on the other side. Men do disappear….some do it fast, but I would stand my ground here and say most stick the course as a parent if not a partner, and yes, some slowly, carefully and quietly slide away into obscurity…

Daddy who?

[Yup, that’s my impression too. Some really do run like bunnies, others want to but don’t have what it takes, some are ready and willing to do whatever it takes regardless of social, economic, or family obstacles, and the rest are somewhere in between. Which doesn’t add up to “most likely.” Which of course was my only objection to the original post.

The reason I objected, by the way, isn’t because I thought Echidne was being mean to men. It’s because men, like all human beings, are really good at meeting expectations and not so great about exceeding them. Saying “most likely” isn’t just making a prediction it’s setting an expectation. So why not aim high? Thanks, Cougar. —fl]

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.