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Domestic Experience and Being Taken for Granted: It's Not a Gender Thing, It's Situational

Tue, 2009-12-08 22:05 — figleaf

#1: When you make approximately 3 meals a day (breakfast, lunches for the kids, supper) approximately 6 days a week; when you do virtually all the staple/primary-meal shopping; when very often you’re up and have breakfast made before anyone else is up; when shopping and meal planning and cooking isn’t a what-a-lark adventure but a fit-in-between-everything-else routine; when pretty much every Sunday around lunchtime you say “what would everyone like in their lunches this week?” and “what would like for supper this week?” and “would anyone like anything new for breakfasts this week” without really getting meaningful or helpful answers; when you’ve been doing that for six or eight or however many years I’ve been doing it… You’re eventually going to have days where your partner and your children all carp about what you cooked for breakfast, prepared for lunch, and supper. And they’re all going to have their opinions about how you should have done it. And they’re all going to have different and contradictory ideas about how it ought to be done… well, I don’t think particular set of chromosomes has a franchise on feeling aggrieved by their circumstances.

#2: When it’s part of everyday life and not some kind of circus sideshow a declaration like “there’s nothing sexier than a man doing housework” is… just about as much bullshit as “there’s nothing sexier than a woman mowing the lawn” would be.* It’s nice to have help. It’s nice to feel appreciated. It’s nice to have a little more time (assuming for the moment that inexperienced help actually saves time.) And much of the time I do feel appreciated, and I do get help, and I do save a little time.

#3: If I ever get another tattoo it’s going to be a big one. That says “The Floor is Not a Closet!” On my forehead.

* Sexy? Possibly. Nothing sexier? Really? Nothing? Unlikely. —fl

Wed, 2009-12-09 04:53 — Kaija (not verified) #permalink

Well said, and with your characteristic humor! I really appreciate that you use your own experience as “house manager” to stick forks in the cultural gender divide over chores and children and who does/feels/thinks what depending on their chromosomes. There really is power in speaking up and telling your story as an example…and it has an impact on others.

It’s like that old logic fail: If you set up a construction with “every” or “all”, then it only takes ONE contrary example to pull down your statement. We would all do better to replace “Men do/like/want/need/desire..” and “Women do/like/want/desire..” with “some PEOPLE do/like/want/need/desire…and some don’t.” The overlapping normal distributions really do overlap so much as to be more similar than different in most cases.

My mom and dad have swapped roles back and forth throughout their marriage, with dad working and mom being home with the kids and house, then a period where they were both working (and kids were expected to manage a lot of the house along with them), to dad retired and mom working. My dad is a top notch “chief cook and bottle washer”, as he puts it and doesn’t take any crap about it from his cronies…in fact, he brags about new recipes he’s tried and how he has to get home and get dinner going.

Choosing a life that fits you (and changing as need be) is really what we all want, isn’t it? And some appreciation would be good too :)

[See! If it was dictated by innate gender your parents wouldn’t have worked that way. And if genetics provide only hints? Well, I’ve got almost certainly behaviorally innate genes that say “mine!” too but that doesn’t mean I have to abscond with every shiny or tasty-looking object that catches my eye. Nor do I suffer for it. And I don’t see too many KRA groups (Kleptomaniac Rights Activists) saying that since it’s innate to want to grab shiny stuff it’s unnatural, and therefore unhealthy, to resist stealing other people’s stuff. :-) Thanks, Kaija. —fl]

Wed, 2009-12-09 11:28 — Mike (not verified) #permalink

“there’s nothing sexier than a man doing housework” is… just about as much bullshit as “there’s nothing sexier than a woman mowing the lawn” would be.* It’s nice to have help. It’s nice to feel appreciated.

I TOTALLY agree with these statements, and like you I do often times feel appreciated, but seems that the more I do the more taken for granted I feel as well. Not sure if that is due to my own projection on the situation, or if in fact it is the truth – but, your post made me think more critically about that in my own relationship with my wife and kids.

Mike

Wed, 2009-12-09 13:38 — Pearl (not verified) #permalink

1. sounds familiar. it’s tiring, isn’t it?
2. does ogling and whistling count as encouragement whilst he irons? ;)
3. harumph. I’ll have to get a label for the floor that dubs it closet.

but totally right, it’s a matter of choices, trade-offs, appreciating, communicating and domains decided on and enjoyed by individuals, not chromosomes.

[If ironing isn’t the only thing that draws ogles and whistles I think it’s fine, Pearl. And it is tiring but then… not having supper served on my schedule rather than theirs is probably tiring as well. (Hmm…..!) Thanks! —fl]

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