Figleaf's Real Adult Sex

Bond of Dear Diaspora, who wrestles productively with questions of gender, has some gender-clarifying questions of her own.

The following questions are intended to help one’s own thinking only — there are no right answers, nor right interpretations of answers. Some of them are questions posed to me by others, some are questions I stumbled across in one or many places, and some are questions I’ve asked myself. I apologize for not being able to cite them all properly — credit is given where possible, but I’ve consumed a huge volume of information on this topic and I can’t trace it all back now.

I’m aware that the way I’m using phrases like “born as” is somewhat problematic. Keep in mind these are questions, not answers, and that responses like “I have no idea” and “neither” are very much allowed.

Bond asked these questions here.

I’ve pulled the answers out of the block quote so I could answer as best I could. I’m assuming they all wish-related questions relate to gender and not general-purpose. So I won’t say “I wish I could fly” in response to “if a genie came to me…” Answering the questions leave me feeling I’m a strongly cis-gendered, sexually male, impatient-with-gender-impositions man. Which might not be a surprise to you, and which surprised me mostly by how strongly born-cis-male (if not born gendered male) I turn out to be.

#1 If a genie came to you and offered you one wish, to change your body in any way you like, what would your wish be? (Thanks to Rebecca for asking me this one some months ago.)

For me it would be mostly about hair, maybe. I had a friend who by about age 15 could grow a full beard and mustache in just a few weeks. With the result that he could fiddle his appearance endlessly — a pencil-thin mustache one week, and nearly a full cossack in a month. I have more of a classic Scottish/Southerner beard that takes forever to grow and leaves bare patches on my cheeks. And unlike the rest of my hair it’s nearly red! On the other hand he now might wish he had my head hair. I also wish I had either less body hair or else softer and less prickly.

Stepping only slightly further away from gender I’d love it if I’d been less ferociously asthmatic as a kid — skinny boys with sunken chests who can neither run nor roughhouse are tailor made for bullying and gendered taunts. But then I might not be as impatient with that as I’ve turned out to be.

#2 If you could either a) be born in the body of the other sex, with your same gender identity, or b) be born in this body, but be someone who never had gender dysphoria, which would you choose? Why?

It’s sort of cheating since I don’t have gender dysphoria, but B. I suspect if I was born in the body of the other sex, with the same gender identity I have now, I’d spend as much time grappling with these issues as Bond does.

#3 If you could either a) change yourself to have the body of the other sex or b) change the world so you’d be accepted unconditionally as your gender without changing your body, which would you choose? Why?

I think this is a $64,000 question. Also a possibly real-world relevant one. I’ve heard from several sources, each with differing degrees of sympathy for trans issues, that cultural climate seems to have a very strong influence on people’s sense of identity and dysphoria, one that ties in quite a lot with corresponding levels of tolerance vs transphobia and homophobia. And so before I’d ask individuals to undergo the (at present) considerable hassle of surgical and medicinal transition I’d want to do what I could to make present society (including the affected individuals themselves) more comfortable with the ambiguity that seems to be part of ordinary human nature. So my strong preference would be B. (Not that my preference counts for a whole lot — I’m not conflicted about my identity. But then for

#4 If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

In the dimension of male gender stereotype I wish my vocal range could be a little deeper. In the dimension of female gender stereotype I wish I was more physically flexible and that I had a better sense of smell. I also dearly wish I could (still) hear higher frequencies — traditionally high-register hearing loss is a masculine trait but in my case I think it has a lot more to do with rock and roll in my youth.

#5 What would your gender identity be if you’d been born as the other sex? How masculine or feminine would you be? (This comes from an old one for when one is questioning her sexual orientation: What would your sexual orientation be if you were the other sex?)

I gotta say if I had been born as the other sex my brain says I’d probably identify as female, assuming I was as cis-bodied then as I am now. My hindbrain says I’d identify as I am now. Which happens to be male. As for how feminine or masculine, I imagine if I was born female I’d still be pretty dour about gender constructions and work towards the middle. As for orientation since I’m straight now I assume I’d be straight then as well. Which is intellectually easy to imagine but conceptually difficult.

#6 When given the opportunity to construct a persona, such as online, in writing, or in video games, what gender do you make yourself, and why?

When I’ve constructed online personalities I’ve always constructed male ones. I think maybe because of my introverted, couldabeen Aspergers-y personality most of my constructed personalities (including attempts at dialogue in ordinary fiction) come out sounding exactly like me.

#7 Jewish tradition teaches that each person has three names: the name she is given at birth, the name she is called, and her real name. What is your real name?

Interesting question. In a lot of ways my real name could almost be figleaf! I spend an awful lot of time in my head and I write best when I’m pouring my thoughts out with as little editing as possible. I vastly prefer to be called David in person, however. :-)

#8 What gender were you in your past life?

What sex is easy: Intuition (the only possible way to answer something like this) says I’ve always been male. What gender? That would depend on the culture and language I was born into.

#9 What questions have helped you understand your gender issues? What questions would you ask someone struggling with hers? Feel free to share answers [with Bond], too.